AD_79

[Below is mostly me talking about me, yes. I'm just relating]

This is exactly how I've felt in recent times, AD. I feel ya. Every single time I have someone playtest my Doom maps - which are known to be more challenging and uncaring of typical standards and expectations - I'm embarrassed if not frustrated with myself when problems arise. I make maps to provide an experience to the player, and when people do me a favor and help test it, they play those buggy beta builds which, when in such a state, often can detract from the "experience" (aka whatever the hell it is I'm going for). The maps become more of an embarrassment to me, especially if the testers or reviewers are the types to dwell on the mistakes.

This is absolutely the case when the map is difficult, and with every death, I can feel my tester's frustration rising, and I recoil in guilt...and silence.

I recoil or go AFK in fear or embarrassment whenever showing off my WIP works, especially in a voice chat. (This happened more recently with a "commissioned" video I made as well.) I don't often watch videos of people playing my own maps - I end up giving them radio silence. Even people reading excerpts of the stories I write! Just full-on cringing from embarrassment, even if there's no reason to and I'm genuinely proud of the story.

It's a toxic mindset I do believe I have developed, especially where music is concerned. Much more recently I've considered quitting it, at least as a focused hobby. I know jack shit about both theory and production, comparatively-speaking. I have so many ideas and lyrics written down due to life situations, but I'm never proud of them, so to speak, and never feel like I can make them come to life myself.

Weight of expectations, self-consciousness, self-doubt, fear of over-analyzers and overly harsh criticism...all things we fear and maybe actually go through sometimes. But one thing is for sure: like Fonze said, all of what we do is a labor of love. How we process showing the fruits of our labor to other people is important, no matter if your work is good or bad, or how others perceive it.

It's rough, but it is definitely possible to just allow ourselves to make what we want and are happy with. No matter what others think. We can find something that works.

"Why we create" is a monster of a question if your answer isn't "to hear what other people think" or "to make me happy/fulfilled". I feel like these two answers are lacklustre, and are tied inexorably to there being a necessity for an audience's approval. However, giving fewer shits about what your audience thinks is harder than it sounds, especially when feedback and critique can come from all angles and potentially stun you with commentary (negative or positive!) that you were in no way going to be prepared for. The internet has largely ruined how people think criticism is supposed to work.

You may arrive at your own answer(s) to the "why we create" question, but for me, really the only reason I ever need to create is to just fill a "void" wherever I see one.

- "Oh, I haven't mapped for Ultimate Doom before very much, lemme fix that by seeing if I can make a megawad..."

- "Hmm, hub episodes are pretty commonly done for Doom and Hexen but not Heretic... wonder if I can plug that gap..."

- "I bet this story idea is something that no one's done quite like this before. Even if there are similarities elsewhere in the great oeuvre of humanity's history of storytelling, this will be pulling from my own personal folder of experiences and so will be unique by default - that gives it purpose to exist."

- "Any maps exist that use orange and heliotrope for a predominant colour palette? Probably very few. Let' s fix that."

These thoughts focus more on the organising and actualising of ideas, and of self-stimulation through the creative process itself, rather than whatever lies beyond.

I hope this helps shed light on your situation, AD (and Dunn!).

hey, I was just browsing the forum trying to find the thread for Terminal Stages of Nostalgia (played this back in May and wanted to replay it again after I've lost my Doom folder) I couldn't quite remember the full name but I very well remembered that you were the author, so I came to your profile first to find the download and then I saw this post and it stopped me dead in my tracks, so I just created the account to tell you this:

I love your work, both the maps I had the pleasure to play and the MIDIs I had the joy to listen to while playing.

It breaks my heart to read this, I understand how you feel and as a fellow mapper (not for Doom, but for another classic FPS) I relate to everything mentioned in your post. While feedback help us learn and improve, it can be disheartening reading someone scrutinize something they didn't like, and even more so if they don't mention the stuff they did like in their post (for example I'm okay with receiving critique on the gameplay, but I'd like to hear if they enjoyed the atmosphere...) It's understandable to feel this way after you've put so much thought and effort into it and it can be tiring.

Sometimes I'm already aware of the imperfections and I'd rather people to just play the map without overanalyzing it and just have fun, basically the way I feel about user made content for these games (Doom, Quake, Half-Life) is that they don't need to be absolutely perfect in every aspect to be enjoyable for the great majority of players that just want to play more content for the games we love. But as Fonze already mentioned, there are players that enjoy dissecting other's work for amusment or as a learning experience and we'll always receive feedback, sometimes they'll tell you how they think you could make them even better and sometimes they'll just tell you they liked it without going too much into details.

When I finished the Nostalgia map I was later surprised to read on the thread that you once lost confidence in it, since I had so much fun with it, I'm thankful that you ultimately decided to finish and share it with us. So if your mission is for people to have fun with your work, I think you darn well succeed in that. You are very talented and I'm sure your contributions are appreciated by the community.

I really hope you can overcome the stress this has caused you and the fears you face as a creator, I don't want you to feel the obligation to live up to expectations. I wish I had like an actual helpful advice on how to work this out, but I'll just say that it's okay to relax and take a break or maybe make a map that isn't necessarily a magnus opus and just something you did for your own pleasure and no one else.

PS: to answer the very last sentence in your post: yes, it is necessary and healthy to voice your concerns and worries every once in a while, and it helps other people in the community to be aware of these issues and maybe hopefully we can help each other out.